this would be the greatest thing i've ever done if only i could muster up the courage the freckles on your shoulders never looked so nice the freckles on your chest never looked so inviting i am nervous i am tense i am alarmed i am on full alert who knows what's happening next who know what i'll say probably the wrong thing it's always the wrong thing but still i pray i dont alienate you too far i need at least one friend the rest left me or rather; i left them but that's the way it goes I was born a biologist but raised a worry wart worried my father would fall out of that plane when i was 4 you see i didnt understand physics or gravity 2 things i still struggle with today you see i would have worried about a crash i should have worried about the lash of a belt against my back i was never beat i just like to make up facts oh there i go embarrassing myself again i put the "ass" in embarrass i am a loser i am a star my parents hope that i go far but i am not so sure and sometimes i think about just living in my mom's basement cause i'm poor poor not in the pockets but in the brain forced inside a picture for which the frame is much too tall and i am much too short or something like that there's a saying that we either sink or swim well i think i just wanna float go where the current takes me and sleep til my alarm wakes me although i'm known to talk more when i sleep but i am awake now and i feel like talking til i'm sore in the throat if you're willing to listen but i will talk either way cause i'm just that arrogant of a person i feel like walking around the block i feel like bothering you until you talk and give me everything i need oh how i wish to see your words bleed of truth and honesty like i've never lied to you i would never lie to you of course not but now a coarse knot has tied itself in my brain and it loves to drive me insane such that it cannot see the road i̶ ̶a̶m̶ ̶t̶o̶l̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶s̶w̶i̶m̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶d̶a̶m̶n̶ ̶i̶t̶,̶ i̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶i̶'̶l̶l̶ ̶f̶l̶o̶a̶t̶ such that it does not know what it's told to slow down, to turn left, or to veer to the right a little it is driving right in the middle between one way and the other but i continue to struggle to pull that wheel in the right lane take control of my right brain and fight the left til i've got nothing left and i have got nothing left (except this) There's a saying that we either sink or swim well i think i just wanna float

my head has gone cold along with my heart i don't really know what they really want my parents think i am alone too much i guess i don't speak as much as they would wish my brain cannot think fast as my mouth can speak and i always say the wrong thing so i didn't mean to hurt you like that i just really hope that you still have my back there is something new about you now and i am trying real hard to figure it out something about your hips and the way they move something about your lips and the way they sooth (the way they sooth) my haircut's a shame and my clothes aren't too cool and i don't have many friends but i do well in school i'm uptight all of the time about the littlest things i am lonely and sad and that is why i sing there is something new about me now and i am trying real hard to figure it out something about my eyes and the way they stare something about my mind and how it doesn't care there is something good about us now about the way i don't talk and you're so loud something about a book and turning the page something about a love in a loveless age (a loveless age)

there is a difference between what i say and what i do i will make you a promise and i will follow through rest assured, i am reliable as all hell now if only i could stop feeling sorry for myself i have my head on straight, i keep my morals close but the promise of a good time never fails to make me lose those and my friend convinced my to do something i did not wanna do but look at me now, oh man, look at me i am so cool i will take my chances, i will take them slow anything i can do to get you to my hope you will undress and i will focus on your eyes i will know i've done something wrong when you start to cry i need a break from this sensation i don't want this anymore i need a friend who won't replace me i need someone to trust

i am pretty bad at parking my car so i am trying to get it better (i always take things too far to the point where i upset her) I'm usually too far from the curb and if not, i drive up on it (i'm afraid i will lose her when there's a line drawn and i cross it) and i am sorry and i'll change at least that's what i'll say when you call me on my shit, when you're all too sick of it i am sorry and i'll change i will change (for you) i've been fat since i was a kid so i am trying to lose some weight (her patience is growing thin and i'm afraid she's about to escape) but so far i've lost nothing no, not even a single pound (it just feels like i'm always pushing away at the beauty i've found) and i am sorry and i'll change at least that's what i'll say when you call me on my shit, when you're all too sick of it i am sorry and i'll change and i am sorry and i'll change at least that's what i'll say when you call me on my shit, when you're all too sick of it i am sorry and i'll change i am sorry and i'll change i am sorry and i'll change i am sorry and i'll change i am sorry and i'll change

until the waves come to take me into the vast, dark sea i will remain here beside you i will lay here to guide you into a life unpredictable into a resting final we will meet there one day when we've nothing left to say i will take your hand in mine i will hold it no matter what we find out there, wading in the dark sea or wherever we will be cause this is the end of what we know when the numbers on our hearts no longer grow the end of the grand masquerade where we act like we understand the game we play but this is nothing to fear cause i'll be with you, my dear when these waves come to sweep both of us into the dark sea

hey John would you stop bugging me i'm not gonna write a song about you i'm not gonna lie and say that you cut yourself say you cut yourself hey John i've got too many things on my mind to talk to you know to hear your joke you stole from someone else from someone else hey, why don't you give me a break? hey, i've got more to say hey John if they're from India they're not called Native Americans they're just called Indians they're called Indians they're called Indians hey John don't try to give me advice if you've got no experience and right now i know you don't i know you don't i know you don't hey, why don't you give me a break? hey, i've got more to say

i'm so glad you've come home you made a mess the night away you stole you took off without saying goodbye wanted us to believe you had died well we're not so dense, you see we knew alive you would be asked your friends where you had gone you were on a bus on the way to Michigan mom met you at the station walking with your new friend begged you to come home, but you said no i guess there were better fucking places for you to go but i was not prepared, you see bawled my eyes out like i was a child of 3 and of 3 i was, but now only of 2 and i have no more room for that third, you a couple years later, we get a call you tell us that you're sorry about it all our parents arranged for you to come back home they were happy, but i did not care much at all cause i'm not so dumb as you are loud you didn't care about me then, so why should you now? you left everything for just a stupid chance i hope you're happy having run us through this dance i'm so glad you've come home let the newspapers know that you're alright and everything is okay on this holy, blessed, wonderful fucking day

god is a mystery to me how could you believe in something you can't see or touch or smell or taste i hear only the voice inside my head and wonder if the dead are anywhere but a bed of dirt and soil the bible says what to do but how do you pick and choose what is right and what is wrong, it all comes down to what you believe personally being gay is a sin, but we can divorce however we please, i thought we weren't allowed to do that according to god i need something to believe i find myself praying every night and wondering if it's right talking to someone who might not be real, why wouldn't a god want himself known maybe he's a little cold or maybe we don't wanna think that we're alone i need something to believe i need something to receive

i took my time with you i took it slow i took you swimming in the backyard with nothing to show blood trickles down the staircase i cannot believe blood trickles, makes me wanna look away but i have to see that you are dead and i am free to run away to fall and flee cause there's nothing left nothing to see nothing to change to bring you back to me now you take your time and i'll do things right i'll bury you in the backyard i know that's what you'd have liked